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The Truth of Myself
I overshared today. At least it feels like I overshared. And yet it also felt essential. It’s been a hard week. I’m feeling lots of feels, the world’s weight and my past pressing in on me. “Must I be so dramatic?,” I think to myself. “Why can’t things be light and easy?” They are sometimes. Sometimes often. Sometimes not. Sometimes it’s all too much. And when I get this way, all I can do is express (through writing), which is exactly what I did this morning. I’ve been back and forth with one of the teachers of my spiritual direction training program. I’ve been on the verge of leaving the program a few times now and we’re conversing about some work-arounds that might help me. After presenting me with options last night, I sat with them. And myself. I questioned my ability to keep…
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Voicing the Struggle
I’ve been struggling the last few days. Part of the requirement of my spiritual direction certification is to meet in peer group a few times per month. The purpose of these small group calls is to present situations we are struggling with during our practicum period. The calls consist of five to seven people with one person presenting each month while the others provide noticings, questions, images and impressions. It’s a beautiful and meaningful process but I’m struggling with it. I’ve been struggling since the program started last November. And I’ve been open and honest about these struggles with my teachers. Earlier this week it came to a peak. After getting off of the call on Monday, I was in distress — debilitating distress. It was affecting my energy and psyche to such a degree that I considered dropping out of the program. ‘Old…
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May I Live in Awe and Wonder
I’m stuck, God. I’m stuck more often than I’d like, more often than I’d like to admit. That saying, ‘wherever you go, there you are,’ rings true. Can you help me get unstuck? Why do we get stuck in our ways of doing things, and why is it so hard to get unstuck? Why can’t we get stuck in our good ways of being? I suppose sometimes we can and do but what I notice is all of the ways I get stuck in the not-so-good. So here I am, asking, pleading, begging … please unstick me. What I want is to undo the hold my mind often has on me. I want to live more fully in my body. I want to live in awe and wonder. Every day. Because it exists everyday. The mere fact that I’m healthy, alive, breathing, surrounded by…
