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Learning to Be Gentle
I have felt so aggravated and unsettled lately, and it’s caused me to be a bit stern with myself. Why do you feel this way, Heather? Why are you making problems where none exists? Why can’t you just be happy? But this narrative is not helpful, and its time for a change. We are having trees taken down in our meadow, an adjacent property we bought early last year with the intention of folding it into our farm business. We call it the meadow because it’s the most wide open space where we live; we’re covered in trees otherwise. But the meadow is the perfect place for a huge garden. It’s already open and the pine trees that are being cut will make it an even more open space to let the sunshine in. The problem? It’s unsettled me (and has sorta pissed me…
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Dancing with the Divine
A few days ago the picture of me below popped up on my Facebook memories. It was from eleven years ago. I look good in it; happy. And it got me thinking. Eleven years isn’t that long ago, and at the same time, it feels like a lifetime ago. I was in my early forties and my daughter was only eleven—exactly half the age she is now. I don’t look back very often. I can’t read old journals; it depresses me. I don’t like thinking about how things were. I’m much more of a forward moving person. I think about how things used to be, and I thank God for the way things are now. Thinking about today and tomorrow always feels better in my body than thinking about what was. I find this interesting. But … I do see the value in looking…
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A Liturgy in Service to Wholeness
Dear God of All … Instead of asking ‘why am I just now ‘getting this?,’ may I be grateful for a recent divine discovery: that nature isn’t out there; it’s in me too. Yes I am nature in equal measure to the birds, beasts, oceans, stars, raging fires and blades of grass. I am a seamless part of the whole, and I see now that my job is to live into that wholeness, to live into this theology of wholeness I’ve uncovered, within myself and within every alive thing that exists. Spirit is whole; ego is fragmented. May I live in wholeness, dismantling fragmentation whenever I find it in myself. Spirit is truth; ego is non truth. May I ever live in Divine Truth. May I also recognize that my inherent brokenness as a human is not a curse. No, it is only that…
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The Divine Elements
Dear Embodied God … Who Walked Among Us, Who Was With Us, Who Is With Us, Who Was Us, Who Is Us, in a certain sense … Please show us what it means to be human, to be fully human, to live full human lives, instead of the shadow lives we often limit ourselves to. Please help us to stop, look, continue or pivot, based on what we see. Please grant us Divine Seeing so we may know and trust our sight. Dear God, my own human embodiment tends toward the rush. She tends toward anxiety, overthinking, shame, and sometimes stagnation. While shame makes me not want to name these things, I know that in the naming I am set free. Please continue to show me how these things aren’t from you, and please grace me with the gifts that are of your essence:…
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We Have Forgotten
We have forgotten how to be human. We have forgotten what it means to be human. We have forgotten ourselves and what it feels like to be human. We have forgotten each other and the natural world. Now that I’m about a year into my nervous system regulating journey, and many years in spiritual devotion, life — real life — is coming back online. (And to be honest, I think the only time it was ever online for me prior to this was when I was a baby, when I was pre-verbal. I suspect this to be the case with most of us, unless our parents were fully realized while raising us.) I keep having revelations about life, and what I see is that nothing is real in the state of the world these days. Capitalism, the patriarchy and Western civilization, in general, have…
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The Truth of Myself
I overshared today. At least it feels like I overshared. And yet it also felt essential. It’s been a hard week. I’m feeling lots of feels, the world’s weight and my past pressing in on me. “Must I be so dramatic?,” I think to myself. “Why can’t things be light and easy?” They are sometimes. Sometimes often. Sometimes not. Sometimes it’s all too much. And when I get this way, all I can do is express (through writing), which is exactly what I did this morning. I’ve been back and forth with one of the teachers of my spiritual direction training program. I’ve been on the verge of leaving the program a few times now and we’re conversing about some work-arounds that might help me. After presenting me with options last night, I sat with them. And myself. I questioned my ability to keep…
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Voicing the Struggle
I’ve been struggling the last few days. Part of the requirement of my spiritual direction certification is to meet in peer group a few times per month. The purpose of these small group calls is to present situations we are struggling with during our practicum period. The calls consist of five to seven people with one person presenting each month while the others provide noticings, questions, images and impressions. It’s a beautiful and meaningful process but I’m struggling with it. I’ve been struggling since the program started last November. And I’ve been open and honest about these struggles with my teachers. Earlier this week it came to a peak. After getting off of the call on Monday, I was in distress — debilitating distress. It was affecting my energy and psyche to such a degree that I considered dropping out of the program. ‘Old…
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May I Live in Awe and Wonder
I’m stuck, God. I’m stuck more often than I’d like, more often than I’d like to admit. That saying, ‘wherever you go, there you are,’ rings true. Can you help me get unstuck? Why do we get stuck in our ways of doing things, and why is it so hard to get unstuck? Why can’t we get stuck in our good ways of being? I suppose sometimes we can and do but what I notice is all of the ways I get stuck in the not-so-good. So here I am, asking, pleading, begging … please unstick me. What I want is to undo the hold my mind often has on me. I want to live more fully in my body. I want to live in awe and wonder. Every day. Because it exists everyday. The mere fact that I’m healthy, alive, breathing, surrounded by…
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Instead of Why
Instead of asking ‘why?’ maybe letting things go is the better choice. Instead of asking ‘why?’ perhaps talking to a trusted friend would help. Instead of asking ‘why?’ maybe I should get up and do something else. Instead of asking ‘why?’ perhaps dropping the inquiry is better. Instead of asking ‘why?’ would it better serve me to tap into other modes of knowing? Instead of asking ‘why?’ maybe the better question to ask is: ‘how does this feel in my body?’ The mind is powerful. It’s also a saboteur. The body never lies. ‘Why’ is great to assess motivations and direction but when the why continually presents itself related to things we love, I’m certain it’s not helpful. No, it’s a diversion and a tactic of the ego to throw us off track. It invites separation, not wholeness. Instead of ‘why?’ I’ll rest in…
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May the Earth Heal Me
Dear Creator God, Thank you for creating me as one teeny tiny speck upon the magnificence that is this earth. Thank you for flowers, trees, grasses, dirt, bodies of water, mountains, creatures — large and small, of land and sea — even insects. Thank you for the sun, the moon, the stars, the billions of galaxies. Thank you for the awe-inspiring grandeur that is this created world. Help me, dear God of all of life, to always live in wonder at this amazing place we call home. Please help me to be a steward of the land, to observe, pray with and for, learn and grow from the earth. Please mold me into the you, you want me to be. Please direct me to my greatest teachers here and show me my place within creation. Please move me to heal with the earth. And…
