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Dancing with the Divine
A few days ago the picture of me below popped up on my Facebook memories. It was from eleven years ago. I look good in it; happy. And it got me thinking. Eleven years isn’t that long ago, and at the same time, it feels like a lifetime ago. I was in my early forties and my daughter was only eleven—exactly half the age she is now. I don’t look back very often. I can’t read old journals; it depresses me. I don’t like thinking about how things were. I’m much more of a forward moving person. I think about how things used to be, and I thank God for the way things are now. Thinking about today and tomorrow always feels better in my body than thinking about what was. I find this interesting. But … I do see the value in looking…
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We Have Forgotten
We have forgotten how to be human. We have forgotten what it means to be human. We have forgotten ourselves and what it feels like to be human. We have forgotten each other and the natural world. Now that I’m about a year into my nervous system regulating journey, and many years in spiritual devotion, life — real life — is coming back online. (And to be honest, I think the only time it was ever online for me prior to this was when I was a baby, when I was pre-verbal. I suspect this to be the case with most of us, unless our parents were fully realized while raising us.) I keep having revelations about life, and what I see is that nothing is real in the state of the world these days. Capitalism, the patriarchy and Western civilization, in general, have…
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The Truth of Myself
I overshared today. At least it feels like I overshared. And yet it also felt essential. It’s been a hard week. I’m feeling lots of feels, the world’s weight and my past pressing in on me. “Must I be so dramatic?,” I think to myself. “Why can’t things be light and easy?” They are sometimes. Sometimes often. Sometimes not. Sometimes it’s all too much. And when I get this way, all I can do is express (through writing), which is exactly what I did this morning. I’ve been back and forth with one of the teachers of my spiritual direction training program. I’ve been on the verge of leaving the program a few times now and we’re conversing about some work-arounds that might help me. After presenting me with options last night, I sat with them. And myself. I questioned my ability to keep…
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Voicing the Struggle
I’ve been struggling the last few days. Part of the requirement of my spiritual direction certification is to meet in peer group a few times per month. The purpose of these small group calls is to present situations we are struggling with during our practicum period. The calls consist of five to seven people with one person presenting each month while the others provide noticings, questions, images and impressions. It’s a beautiful and meaningful process but I’m struggling with it. I’ve been struggling since the program started last November. And I’ve been open and honest about these struggles with my teachers. Earlier this week it came to a peak. After getting off of the call on Monday, I was in distress — debilitating distress. It was affecting my energy and psyche to such a degree that I considered dropping out of the program. ‘Old…
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Instead of Why
Instead of asking ‘why?’ maybe letting things go is the better choice. Instead of asking ‘why?’ perhaps talking to a trusted friend would help. Instead of asking ‘why?’ maybe I should get up and do something else. Instead of asking ‘why?’ perhaps dropping the inquiry is better. Instead of asking ‘why?’ would it better serve me to tap into other modes of knowing? Instead of asking ‘why?’ maybe the better question to ask is: ‘how does this feel in my body?’ The mind is powerful. It’s also a saboteur. The body never lies. ‘Why’ is great to assess motivations and direction but when the why continually presents itself related to things we love, I’m certain it’s not helpful. No, it’s a diversion and a tactic of the ego to throw us off track. It invites separation, not wholeness. Instead of ‘why?’ I’ll rest in…
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Energetic Boundaries
I honestly didn’t even know there was such a thing as energetic boundaries until I recognized the need for them in my body. This training program in which I’m currently enrolled is pushing me in ways I’ve never been pushed before, or I’m a lot more in tune and have the ability to notice more easily. Essentially the feeling is that of all (or most) of my energy leaving me and entering into the other, typically during conversation. As the other person speaks, I’m drawn into their words, feelings and situation. Sometimes it causes me angst; other times higher emotions, but always I am IN the experience — no separation between them and me. I’m in the process of catching and working with it in the moment, a task that has been difficult in the past. In fact, there are lots of parts of…
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The Insistence of our Own Demands
“… what interferes with our living a contemplative life is not the busy, noisy, confused demanding, harassing world in which we must earn our living and care for our families. We like to blame this environment, but that is not really the source of the disquiet. Even if we could go to the country, have nothing much to do and no threats to our comfort, we would take our own noisiness with us. We would make problems out of trivialities–as happens in contemplative monasteries where the opportunities for distress have (by the standards of the rest of the world) been considerably diminished. Let us recognize where our problem is truly lodged and then confidently release it. We can be peaceful, even in the midst of the demands of contemporary life, because what is really pressuring us is the insistence of our own demands. Once…
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Divine Joy
I love it when a new way of thinking presents itself, and as a person with borderline-manic-analytical-thinking tendencies, poetry and creative expression really lands for me, especially related to the natural world and our humanity. And last week, this excerpt arrived in my in-box: “The Divine Joy. Did you ever consider that maybe the “Big Bang” was a Big laugh? Or a Big Shout of Joy? That the Trinity could not take it any more—that is the joy of being, the joy of existence, the joy that is the joie d’vivere, the celebration of a universe where “existence itself is the miracle.” (Rilke). Or—even more likely because scientists tell us there was no sound at all when the universe began–a big, quiet smile of mischievousness when the Creator came up with the crazy idea to birth a universe (and put homo sapiens into it)?…
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Overcoming Accidie
Last week, I wrote about accidie. Today I’d like to offer a few resources I found for overcoming working through it. We can’t let boredom and frustration separate us from what must be done. Our task is to be faithful to the demands of daily life with an honest, open heart. (1) “Being faithful in our regular times of prayer, study, office tasks, cleaning the house, changing diapers, and other works that we may be called to do each day can seem dry and discouraging. Yet it is precisely in these quotidian tasks of life that a remedy for acedia is found. The discipline of reforming our outer activity can be a means, with God’s grace, to inner transformation.” (2) To me, this sounds a lot like a call to be in the present moment, with fervor, grace and humility. And it’s not easy in our…
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Deep Trust
Dear God of Infinite Faces, Help me to have a deep trust in myself, in the ground of my being, in the You who rests inside of me. Please help me to be bold in this heart-knowing and allow that boldness to resist the negative mind-chatter that seeks to dominate my thoughts and actions, my very way of being in the world. Please also grace me with awe and wonder at the mystery and transient nature of life. May I be bold in the deep knowing of myself while also remaining humble in the unknowing and uncertainty at the heart of creation’s divine dance. May I live into my unique personhood and callings, feeling you from deep within and allowing that sense to form powerful words and actions—of reverence, awe and love—knowing language frames the way we think, stirs us, and gives voice to…
