It’s been a while. The thing that used to be my passion has faded into the background. It’s still here, in me, but it doesn’t tug on my soul the way that it used to. Perhaps doing the thing you love for others begins to dim it for yourself. I’m talking about writing here, of course.
The thing I used to HAVE to do every day for myself has become a thing that only calls to me when in distress. Yes, I will write my heart out (literally) when times are tough. It’s therapy.
I used to be able to write to figure stuff out but lately that just doesn’t feel possible. I am sorting through lots of cerebral and emotional stuff and I’m having a hard time matching my brain up with my heart. I’m not incongruent—I’ve been there before. No, becoming is a better word. There is a silence here in my becoming. There isn’t room for too many words. It feels as though words will cheapen the whole experience.
The other passion that has me perplexed is my yoga teaching journey. It was the ALL of who I was and it too has faded into the background. When I was ’in it’, it consumed all that I did and I loved it, but that fire has been stoked and is now dying, making way for something new.
The contemplative, mystical path shines bright for me. It quietly calls from the center of my heart, beckoning me to share with others. Directly or indirectly, that part is not yet clear. It’s a new part of me that wishes to emerge more fully, and that is the struggle I’m having—trying to figure out how it all fits into my yoga teaching picture, or IF it does. Perhaps I pivot entirely, which is where I’m leaning, but that vision is not clear either.
A few words and images are on repeat in my psyche. Calls from beyond? Love. Service. Death/Rebirth. I am being called to live in the mystery and to be present to the unfolding that will naturally occur.
The questions I keep asking are: how do I give of myself in service to love in the world? Is yoga part of the equation? How can I get my ego out of the way so my soul can shine? How can I truly ’live what I love’ again?
I’ve decided to call this season my ’Savasana Summer.’ It will be a period of quiet reflection and integration, a period of allowing the old to ’die’ or to be transformed into something new. It’s a time of being instead of doing. It’s a time for living in the mystery. It’s a time for getting out of my own way and allowing God to show me the work of my soul.
‘Unknowing’ is not the easiest place to be. It’s hard, in fact, but there are also such blessings here. I do realize the privilege of reinventing myself in the middle of life, and that is why the two words, love and service, keep bellowing from my soul.
The need I see: to help people understand that separation is an illusion. We live in a connected universe, so full of wonder, if we can get past the ego, landing in the cave of the heart, but how does that translate into an offering in service of love? Only God knows. Literally. Enter Savasana Summer, a season of rest to let life unfold naturally.