I have been proving my existence through the written word for as long as I can remember—keeping diaries, journals, common place books, writing lists, poems, letters and more. It’s a deep need and desire within me and yet I cannot fully express the why of it, except that it brings me peace. But there is more to it than that.
I wish I was one of those people who just lived and didn’t question my why’s, but if that was the case, I wouldn’t be me. And damn it, I love me now, finally, so I will learn to love that this is the way God made me.
I really questioned my why of writing after my mom’s passing. It grew to an ever deeper need in the weeks, months and years following her earthly exit as I realized I had no words of hers to ponder. It saddened me and made me think of the legacy I’m leaving for my loved ones.
The writing in those days were also therapeutic and helped me sort out the jumbled mess of my mind. I revealed and healed deep wounds, childhood and ancestral trauma and many misbeliefs that were lodged in my brain. Slowly I became a better version of me. I’m still becoming today. We all are. We are all always ‘on the way.’ How beautiful is that?
As we enter 2021, I’m inviting yet more silence and simplicity into my life, something I’ve been doing for a while now but have had a hard time fully embracing. I am learning to surrender a lot more control, be less rigid and I’m asking God to allow me to live in the flow. Truly that is the only place that’s real here on our physical earth, and one of the hardest places to be.
I’m trying to not only be okay with the mystery but to love it. I’m observing that change is the only thing that stays the same—another fact I’ve known for years, yet not fully embraced. Control is the one thing I don’t have, and the one thing I’ve grasped at my entire life.
Yes, I am at peace when I write; I understand myself better. But the deeper truth is that I write because I must. It’s a soul need. We are called to love while we are here and what better way to love than to express the ways we are becoming who we are meant to be, fucking up and rectifying our mistakes, hopefully loving a little harder with each passing day. I see my writing as a small legacy I’m leaving behind, a part of me that is true and real on any given day, an expression of my humanity and love.