Like everyone, a culmination of events, mishaps and ‘a has’ have led me to where I am today. There’s so much to say, but for now I’ll keep this post to a bare minimum, to what feels essential.
If you know me personally or have followed me for a while, you know that the last to years have not been my greatest. Witnessing my mom’s devastating illness, followed by her untimely passing, as well as working through major life changes with my one and only daughter, literally changed who I am as a person. You’ve heard the saying, “once you see it, you can’t unsee it.” Well, it’s true, and sometimes life can be divided into a distinct before and after.
But I firmly believe that life doesn’t happen TO us; it happens FOR us. We get to choose what we do with our lives and how we deal with the events that feel both devastating and ecstatic.
Since my early twenties, when I felt suicidal and subsequently changed the entire way I viewed life by diving into a variety of holistic health modalities and divination tools, I became a ‘glass more-than-half-full’ kinda girl. (There’s definitely a before and after during that time of life too.) I tend toward shiny, happy, “life is good” feelings most of the times. But the last two years? Hell no. I wasn’t sure I’d recover. I wasn’t sure I’d ever be ‘me’ again.
I journaled and wrote and cried and questioned. I didn’t know who I was or who I was becoming. Little by little, though, I kept going. I put pieces of my heart out there, even if those pieces weren’t all that pleasant. I continued my heatherisms on Instagram and Facebook, in the hopes that I could help others. And throughout that time, I’ve had several people I know personally stop me to say ‘thank you.’ They each told me they were going through a hard time too, that they had no idea about me, and that they appreciated my honestly. Those words told me I was on the right path.
Fast forward to today. I am changed. A switch flipped at Christmas. I suddenly felt empowered and more like myself, though not like myself at all. I was new. I am new. 2019 has been such a year of healing and even deeper transformation.
On January 2nd, I got sober curious, meaning I’ve almost completely given up alcohol. Since that time, I’ve had a max of six ounces of wine on any given day, usually less, and not more than once a week — a huge change from my several times per week habit. I started seeing a naturopath and am addressing health issues I’ve mostly ignored. I am continuing monthly calls with my Synchronicity Coach, and recently started working with an Embodiment Coach. Next week, I’m getting neurological biofeedback on my brain and will begin rehabilitating my nervous system. I had an Akashic reading; it made me realize how much I thought I trusted myself but not to the level I should.
I have changed much of the way I see and deal with life and I know that those views will continue to morph and change as I experience whatever comes my way. I’m questioning my motives, habits, patterns and actions like I never have before. I’m relating to my people differently and on a much deeper level. I’m cultivating new friendships. I’m writing with fervor. I’m clear about who I am. I now fully believe in my voice instead of just sorta believing in it. I can no longer hide. Sometimes it scary to write and put myself out there, but I can no longer NOT do things because I’m afraid.
So, what am I working on in 2019? Myself mostly. Walking my talk. That saying by Gandhi, “my life is my message;” it resonates. We aren’t human doings. We are human beings. We help others heal by sharing ourselves with them, by being a mirror for all of life’s experiences — the love, pain, messiness, confusion. We help others heal by being human ourselves, by standing in our power and not being afraid to show them who we really are.
Social media, blogs, the internet, these are all great places to connect but they can become traps too. I’ve been sucked into comparison more often than I’d like to admit, but recognizing the pattern is half the battle. I’ll continue to post on Instagram and Facebook because I like the connection, but you’ll never find full posts like this there. It’s a little too personal for that stage. If you’ve taken the time to stop by here, I assume you care or are interested in what I have to say. I’ll keep writing here because it is my space to do so. I’d love to have you along for the ride. I am trying to find a way to combine many of my loves – nature, embodiment, writing, mindfulness, poetry and pausing daily to see our lives from a larger perspective. Stay tuned. Subscribe to posts on the right side of my home page, and check out my offerings link for other free stuff.