Today, I believe, is a turning point, a pivot toward that which I’ve been called to for a while now. God has been leading me, all along actually, but specifically for the last year, as I’ve had ears to hear and a heart ready to follow. I’ve had much more quietude in which to pray, listen and discern, though I’m still learning the fullness of what that means. I’m also better at not having to know everything, to follow my senses toward what feels right.
I became familiar with the Center for Action and Contemplation (CAC) a few years ago and have immersed myself in study and practice ever since, from books to podcasts to videos to scholarly papers, I’ve been obsessed with learning more about contemplation, the lives of the saints and Christian mysticism. I’ve also been reading about and deepening my understanding of nonduality for over two decades, as it’s a primary concept of yoga philosophy and embodiment. All of my years as a yoga teacher and deep study feels like it is converging into a cohesive story. I have no idea where it will all take me. It feels auspicious and beautiful to live in the mystery.
Last July, I began talking with my husband about applying to the Living School through the CAC. Applying required a discernment process that included lots of reading, writing, prayer and talking with those closest to me. The application was lengthy and required two letters of recommendation. (Thank you Cindy and Rachel!) With J’s support and blessing, I applied in September and have been praying, not for acceptance as would have been my natural tendency, but for God’s will. (I have been praying for God’s will in all things for the last few months. It’s been terrifying and freeing.) The application process indicated that an answer wouldn’t arrive until mid-February but it’s been on my mind almost daily since submitting my application.
Well, I was notified of acceptance today, earlier than anticipated! I was reading the book, Walking With God, when I took a break to check email. Immediately I began to cry, not small tears but a huge wailing cry of gratitude and relief. I am being led into a new life, full of more possibility than I can yet imagine.
I am incredibly excited and terrified at the same time. I have been having flashes of insight for the last few months now. Studying mysticism and embodiment have given my life a depth of meaning I haven’t experienced before and I am changing from the inside out. It’s palpable and enthralling and scary all at the same time. I literally have a felt sense of bliss in my body, an experience that is difficult to explain but very real. I can’t wait to write more about this journey here.