being human,  embodiment,  learning,  spiritual direction

Spiritual Crisis

Writing about this feels like the biggest thing I’ve ever done, and to be honest, I’m not sure I’ll do it justice, but I have to try. I am convinced I just went through a massive spiritual crisis that manifested as a psychosomatic illness. But since I first published this post, one of my beloved spirit guides and mentors suggested that beyond psychosomatic, perhaps it was more ‘a matter of realignment, a great purging — of toxicity, lies, stories, old ways of being that are no longer suited to (my) higher vibration.’ That resonates deeply.

Over the last several months, I’ve been having what I like to call ‘divine downloads’ in the shower most evenings, little mini-awakenings about myself, my family, primary relationships and the greater world around me. These little awakenings have been giving me the feeling that things are not right in the world. They are not what they appear. Essentially, I came to the conclusion that the way I’ve been living my life, for all of my life, has only been a fraction of what’s available to me. I’d even go so far to say I’ve been living a lie. The world around us is structured and controlled, orderly, but not necessarily in divine order, under God. I love my teacher, Jame’s Finley’s definition of how God works: “God protects us from nothing yet sustains us in all things”. Lots of other forces are at work.

It’s super hard to put words to all of this; please trust I am trying. On a Monday afternoon a few weeks ago, I had an appointment with my Spiritual Direction Supervisor, Lauren, a woman I meet with monthly as part of a check-in for the practicum of my certification/degree program. On that call, I detailed some things that were feeling out of alignment for me, how I was feeling insubordinate with my practicum, unsure about continuing to volunteer at the hospital because it feels out of integrity, and how it feels like I can see through the matrix of life. She did not bat an eye at any of what I said. In fact, she loved the use of the word ‘insubordinate’ and suggested I continue on this path. Clearly this is the mark of a great spiritual companion …. ‘don’t follow the damn status quo; follow your heart and deeper knowing, even if it makes you insubordinate.’

Without getting too deep into the woods here — you can do your own research — what I’ve arrived at is that the world isn’t as it seems. Several months ago, I began doing history and government research and started loosely following people whose opinions were in line with the ‘off’ way I’d been feeling. Because of my makeup, it was hard for me to go deep; there are lots of disturbing things happening in the world at large. I discovered that lots of illnesses have been created (along with their cures — ya gotta cure people to have them trust the ‘science’ and the medicine.) Our rights are being stripped from us daily. (Did you know that in 2013 and 2016 the US government also legalized and funded propagandizing Americans? This seems non-sensical to me but I’ve seen it in black and white.) Grocery stores sell very little real food …. the US is one of only two countries allowed to sell GMO food. (How many things do you consume daily that have corn syrup, high fructose corn syrup, various dyes, artificial flavor, various types of fake sugars, processed and refined grains? Take a look at simple condiments like ketchup, mayo, white bread and flour tortillas.) Globalists want us sick, tired, overworked, distracted and dependent. (We’ve been set up to fail with the 40 hour work week, a commute for some and the proper care of family. A lot of people are also underpaid, barely surviving. So many turn to social media, tv and alcohol to zone out for a high in the day.) We live so far from our Mother Earth and have relegated her to a thing/commodity, instead of the living, breathing being she is. There is more evil out there than we can imagine, and a large part of that evil are certain players (lots of them but not all) within the government, big business enmeshed with government, large foundations and research organizations in cahoots with government, the CDC, WHO, NIH, etc. These structures are deep and far and wide. These things affect all facets of our life in America: healthcare (+ the influence of pharmaceutical and insurance companies, because capitalism), financial and educational institutions (doing work for the government; this makes me sad —- I have always trusted institutions as beloved places of higher learning.), some organized religion pushing their agendas forward (even outright hatred toward various groups of people, othering them), the laws governing us, etc.

I guess for today, I should focus on just one, healthcare, because it’s the one I was directly affected by throughout my psychosomatic episode. Two days after I had this conversation with Lauren, I started to feel unwell. I couldn’t eat anything. The unwellness turned to full blown, couldn’t get out of bed illness. I had massive pains in my neck, shoulders and low back. I had a headache that still hasn’t completely gone away. I had a fever, nausea. I tried to hydrate but couldn’t get enough in me. I couldn’t get out of bed. On the fourth day of the illness, I scheduled an appointment with the Minute Clinic. They tested for COVID, the flu, and Lyme’s Disease. I was negative for all three. I came home, tried to hydrate more, laid on the shower floor trying to get some relief from my headache and body aches. Nothing was helping.

In the early morning, I woke and began to projectile vomit every last bit of hydration within me. I went back to bed, slept for less than an hour and then woke J to tell him I needed emergency assistance. My sweet husband drove me to the local ER in the wee hours of the morning. No one was in the waiting room. They took me back relatively quickly and took my vitals. I expressed my need for hydration. It was the main thing I knew I needed. In the hospital, I had an abdominal CT can, chest x-ray, head CT scan, and they finally began to hydrate me, but not until after the necessary protocol. At some point in the early morning, I was given morphine for my pain. It kinda helped, briefly — of course it did! It’s the primary medicine given to the terminally ill to make them more comfortable in their final days. They told me my electrolytes were all over the place, I was severely dehydrated (no shit), and that my sodium and potassium were dangerously low. In the end, there was no diagnosis (they tested for meningitis too because of the massive headache) and they sent me home, feeling only slightly better than when I arrived, with Percocet.

I took one day’s worth of Percocet, because of the extreme pain I was in, but it only provided a few hours of sleep and relief at a time. Twenty four hours after leaving the hospital, I took some of my herbal tinctures, calmed myself down and decided to suffer through the pain without Percocet. I then detoxed for nearly 24 hours without sleep, through the afternoon, all night and most of the next morning.

The next day, I had a Telehealth visit with my DO who told me to alternate Tylenol and Ibuprofen and to take NyQuil for sleep. I did just that and my fever broke, followed by several unexplainable rashes all over my body. It was a heavy, dark night. I went to some very scary places. I sweated profusely throughout the night. My husband had to wash the sheets twice. I never want to relive that night again, nor the days and nights leading up to it. I still could not get out of bed at all for two more days.

I am more than two weeks out from the onset and still don’t feel well. At all. the headache lingers. I am sluggish, tired, and just don’t feel good in my body. My illness wasn’t diagnosed but it was the realest thing I’ve ever experienced; I was the sickest I’ve ever been in my life. In some ways I still am.

No virus. No bacterium. No disease. But clearly dis-ease because of the toxic load on my system. I, like the earth, am a living organism and I’ve intuited that its time for me and my family to take back our health through foods we grow ourselves, and through sourcing things we don’t grow from other independent farmers. Further, thanks to study over the last year+, as well as help from an herbalist and naturopath, we’re harvesting our own medicine from this beautiful God-given earth we are lucky enough to steward. It’s a paradigm shift, for sure, but nothing has felt more right. It’s hard to admit that I am starting over. What I once knew and practiced didn’t stick because of convenience, and honestly because I wasn’t so sick. I didn’t take the need so seriously. This is life and death now.

I have completely purged our home of all toxic substances/cleaners/beauty care items. And while I am not sleeping well because of all of my continuing body aches and pains, I have been walking a few miles per day and doing yoga + stretching to get into my body. I also started Accupuncture and will continue to get monthly massages and OMM (osteopathic manipulative medicine) from my DO. (A few more quick points here: prior to this time, I wasn’t eating a lot of junk. I’ve been taking herbal supplements for 1.5 years now. We grow our own veggies and herbs and only buy organic. We source some meat locally (now it all will be). Almost no sweets. No processed meats. No fast food. Few salty snacks. But I was eating white processed grains (some breads + tortilla wraps), probably not enough fresh greens (I’ve tended toward veggies over salads), margarine instead of butter, etc. And while I haven’t been drunk in years, I do love wine and have consumed more than is healthy for a good portion of my adult life. Also, I am prone to anxiety and OCD which can cause an increase in inflammation. Because of all of this and because I WANT to be healthy, I am not sedentary; I hike most days, yoga a few days per week, dance, move, forage, perform manual labor regularly on our farm with my husband, garden and swim semi-regularly. I prioritize rest and have a daily spiritual practice. My immediate family unit is loving and supportive and I have some of the best kindred-spirit girlfriends I consider soul sisters. My work-life balance finally feels good as well —- I work from home, for myself. Writing, a lifetime love.

I couldn’t not write this post. This illness was truly life-altering. It was terrible and I hated every moment of it, but God has clearly shown me what the path forward looks like. If I’m honest, I know I’m stubborn. This was the only way for God to wake me up — get me to my lowest point, showing me how I absolutely never want to feel again.

For you, dear reader, if there is any ounce of ‘yes’ as you read my words, ‘ this resonates,’ please stop yourself in your tracks. Get quiet. Get clear. Talk to God. Ask for help. Learn to be the sovereign, powerful human you are. We have been in a time of great change and upheaval for a while. It’s not over yet. C-19 was a test run. More is coming. In fact, just last week, I read an article titled, “Biden Creates New ‘Permanent’ Office of Pandemic Preparedness and Response Policy, Laying Foundation for Second Round of Medical Martial Law.” Lots of words here scare me but ‘martial law’ related to health and the sick-care model we have in America is scariest of all. The Allopathic Model of Heath is nothing more than bandaids for symptoms, vaccines (that they’re not responsible for if you’re injured or die, and not well researched; its simply a money-making machine driving the capitalist nature of society (at our expense)) and synthetic man-made drugs that do not create health or wellness. Greed and capitalism has eroded our common sense. We are living so far from our source, it’s truly terrifying.

I am not here to force my opinion on anyone, just telling my story as honestly as I can. As an Empath and HSP, this is all very hard to hold, and I’ve only scratched the surface (there are many other ills of the world not related to healthcare).

I believe in the good. But there is just as much evil, and I believe knowing this is perpetuating the continued dis-ease within me. We are connected to all. My only job now is to get myself well and to stay well, to create and maintain optimal health and wholeness. I do not intend to repeat history, and I fully believe I have within my power the ability to create whole, lasting health, naturally. We all do.

Photo by Oscar Keys on Unsplash

DISCLAIMER: While I’ve outlined what I did above, we’ve come a long way since blood letting and using merthiolate, a mercury-containing substance for cuts and scrapes (do you remember that stuff from your grandma’s medicine chest? The burn!) I do believe we are lucky to live in a time of advancement for things such as proper first aid, true emergency care (our likelihood of surviving various life-threatening accidents is much greater now than in the past), wound and burn care, osteopathic care, prosthetics and bionics to help with mobility, pregnancy/OBGYN complications and education, etc. There are also some milder medications that can work in tandem with our bodies’ natural resources, to combat what heredity has done to us over the generations. We’ve inherited the world we live in but we can make change for future generations. I’ll do just that, and I’ll gladly take morphine if I’m terminally ill and on the way out.

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