Preserving My Words

I was thinking today about my words, how they are a deep, true part of me, and how for as long as I can remember, I’ve been using them to express myself, especially on paper (or screen). As I write this, I now know why. Verbally expressing myself in various situations has always been (and still is) hard for me. But my writing comes from deep inside … from silence, spaciousness, spirit (most of the time).

These words often come out unexpectedly but with vigor and purpose. They come out because they must. I discovered my love of writing well into my college career, probably in my last year. I wasn’t a Journalism major (and I wished I was upon this discovery) but my concentration was loosely related, in Interpersonal Communication. As life and luck would have it, I’ve spent my entire career writing, and for that I’m grateful.

I’ve also written a lot personally … journaling, poetry, blogging … and I find myself wanting to preserve these words as part of my legacy. I don’t know how important they’ll be for my daughter, husband, extended family, or any of my closest friends, but to me it feels important. I wish I had something of my mom — of her heart — now that she’s not walking this earth with us. For this reason, I recently researched companies that turn blogs into books and am in the process of printing a few books to preserve them. Yay!

Lately I feel like a little kid, constantly asking myself ‘why?’ Why do I love to write? Why do I love to draw? Why am I drawn to spirituality? Why was my upbringing the way it was? Did it contribute to this love of writing? Why do I think I need to preserve these words? Is it really that important? I don’t have the answers to any of these questions, but maybe the answers are less important than the questions themselves.

Honestly, that’s where I am today. I stopped writing for a long time because nothing made sense. I’m learning to lean into the mystery, and to keep asking the questions, putting them ‘out there,’ here and elsewhere. Sometimes I write to simply record the journey: things I’m pondering and new learnings. I love when people join me, but honestly what’s most important is for those who know and love me to also know me in this deep way, through my words. So instead of ignoring or questioning the calls of my heart, I lean in, and trust it all has purpose, even if I don’t understand it.

(Photo by Rafael Leão on Unsplash)