“Love is a paradox. It often involves making a clear decision; but at its heart, it is not a matter of mind or willpower but a flow of energy willingly allowed and exchanged, without requiring payment in return. Divine love is, of course, the template and model for such human love, and yet human love is the necessary school for any encounter with divine love. . . . If we have never let God love us in the deep and subtle ways that God does, we will not know how to love another human in the deepest ways of which we are capable. Love is constantly creating future possibilities for the good of all concerned—even, and especially, when things go wrong. Love allows and accommodates everything in human experience, both the good and the bad, and nothing else can really do this. Nothing.”
Fr. Richard Rohr OFM, Center for Action and Contemplation
These were words I desperately needed to read today. Speaking directly to my heart, these words remind me to get out of my own way. They nudge me to drop my ego (if only for a short time because, damnit, it’s hard to push the ego out), and they help me to feel the importance of compassion toward others, even when we disagree or perceive we are being personally attacked.
As I write this, I’m feeling deep angst––not just today, but a lingering sense of sporadic dread I’ve been feeling for the last few weeks. My daily practice has been ‘off.’ I’ve felt judged on two separate occasions. I’ve recently recognized some long standing patterns I need to break; as well as past foibles I need to reconcile, related to ways I’ve hurt others, imposing my own story on them, while my intention was only to help. In short, I’ve not felt optimal or overly useful lately.
I’m not at the lowest point I’ve ever been, but I am in the in-between. I wonder, is it even harder to be here than very low? A constant gnawing lingers within. I’m raw, rough, agitated and longing for peace and love at the same time. The emotions and feeling state are complex blends of sensations that are hard to name.
I’m waiting to see what comes next. In a past life, I would have pushed through, self-medicated and spiritually bypassed this state. I can’t allow myself to slip back into these old tendencies; I’m not willing to undo the work I’ve done, or to negate the deep healing that’s occurred. Luckily, in my rational, practical, conscious mind, I know I’m growing.
I’m ready to ripen so a new consciousness can emerge. God is always drawing us closer, even (especially) in our pain. Grace is my constant prayer.
“Love allows and accommodates everything in human experience, both the good and the bad, and nothing else can really do this. Nothing.”