being human,  embodiment

Being Present to the Unfolding

“So much is moving in me.” These are words I use a lot lately to describe my felt and cognitive experiences related to the movements of spirit within. My Living School journey, followed by the time I’ve been in this master’s program for Spiritual Direction/Pastoral Care, has sparked so much excitement and drive that either wasn’t present, or has always been here, hidden in the depths; I suspect the latter.

Since I stopped teaching yoga full-time, I’ve lingered on the possibility of stepping back into that space. What I know (emphasized because it’s a knowing that’s settled deep in my bones), is that I don’t want to teach in the same manner that I did. And yet, my yoga journey is a huge part of who I am and it feels inauthentic to discard it altogether. The question I’ve been wrestling with is HOW to incorporate spiritual direction with embodiment, as well as another new (and yet not-so-new) passion, eco-sprituality/creation care.

What I find interesting is that all of these modalities are deeply informing my own becoming, and helping me to settle my nervous system even more; work I’ve been committed to for about a year now (and have realized success in, though I know more layers exist).

We are called by the Divine to live in mystery in a culture that resists it entirely. Western civilization frowns and fights against uncertainty, in favor of more, bigger, best, steam-rolling even, with the weight of the will. My anxiety kept me stuck for a very long time. Only now can I even see that fact clearly. I’m living in a great undoing.

Earlier today, a soul friend (anam cara) asked how my anxiety might be working FOR me right now. (I know many ways it’s working against me; this is a new pondering to take in). My first inclination is that anxiety is such a forward movement of, well, everything. Living in a rushed state of consciousness isn’t helpful, but can the urgency that exists in me serve the good of my becoming? Perhaps by sitting with it and asking what needs to be birthed next? Because birthing new things, projects, and ideas lights me on fire but I want whatever I bring forth to be a sustainable, spirit-led spark that will see me through the remainder of my career.

The other pondering that didn’t exist until I started diving into eco-spirituality is measuring the importance of creation care in the same ways and at the same level as human care. We live in a human-centric world, and some of those ways of being are dismantling in me. This is not to say that humans are not important; we are. But spiritual care for the non-human living world isn’t, in my opinion, a lesser endeavor. Is my anxiety showing me that there are better ways of being with myself, ways that support my unique unfolding that will not cause deeper levels of anxiety, but that might instead help me to blossom to fullness? The answer, I believe, lies in a deep passion forming in me around my work in creation care … work that causes less angst in me than working with large numbers of humans.

As usual, more questions than answers, but being present to the unfolding is part of living in the Mystery. It might not be well with my ego, but it is well with my soul … to sit, to ponder, to contemplate, to let the Divine show me the way.

Photo by Billy Huynh on Unsplash