Low level agitation is the worst and it feels like I’ve been managing this state for years now. I pray about it. I practice yoga, embodiment and breathwork. I take nature walks. I do all the things. In fact, in years past I’ve even done several types of therapy, neurofeedback and other brain training to alleviate it. Everything helps but it always comes back. Fed up with daily agitation for the last few months now, I spent some quiet time this morning both praying and analyzing the current cause:
Beautiful, amazing changes in my professional life––J and I are co-creating what we’ve talked about since moving to the 19 and work now looks different. Also conditioning and familial trauma related to my worth; the thought that if I’m not working (perhaps in the traditional sense that I’m used to), I’m not worth much. It is an untruth that my yoga practice has tried to train me out of with only partial success. The larger me often feels peace and ease, but the little me gets stuck in looping thought patterns that cause agitation. I also seem to be one of the unlucky ones who is prone to a little too much thought. It’s the reason I know I cannot live without my daily spiritual practice.
From my yoga training I know that anxiety is future based whereas depression looks back; I tend more toward anxiety than depression. Anxiety sets its sights on what comes next whereas depression might ask ‘why did it happen the way it did?’ Both are real feeling states, and while body-based practices are absolutely amazing, sometimes inquiry can be helpful as a way of challenging the recurring, looping thoughts.
By grace this morning I arrived at an inquiry to help me move from future thinking into the present. I offer it here, in the hopes that it might be helpful to you. The thought that’s been looping for me is “am I on the right path?,” a future-based question that is valid, but not in the way it has been occurring for me. We’ve weighed our options and arrived at a practical decision. There is nothing to fear, and yet I believe that is the place this question is coming from.
So today, I turn my mind to “what brings me joy right now?” All of my practice has prepared me for this. Today is what matters most; tomorrow is not promised. In my estimation, if we are creating joy for ourselves each day, the universe conspires with us and it informs what our tomorrows will look like.