being human,  breath,  embodiment,  learning

A Lesson from Anger

Many things have revealed themselves since my illness/spiritual crisis. Big things. Small things. Things that I need to do more of. Things I need to stop doing. Even ways I was fooling myself. It’s been amazing to have so many divine downloads.

In the midst of my illness, especially after I determined it was spiritual, energetic and emotional in nature at its core, I kept wondering, ‘where are the lessons?’ None came when I was really sick. No, I think I needed to be taken down very low for a long period of time for me to really feel it, to know that it was real, and to remember that it was a place I never wish to return. But as I’ve been recovering, so much has changed.

“I don’t know who I am anymore” is a phrase I use often, but it’s not quite right. I know who I am, at my core, but many aspects of who I am are changing. Many things have to change in order for me to honor these lessons.

One big thing that showed itself two weeks ago is anger. It confused me. I’m rarely ever angry (or at least I thought I wasn’t). I now see that anger has been here, and I’ve been spiritual bypassing with acceptance. Wow. Anger is the true emotion that’s been under the surface. It never showed itself as anger, but I’m going to guess it’s wreaked a lot of havoc on my physical body.

The anger is/was related to things that are/were not working in my life. I won’t go into all of them except for the biggest ‘a ha’: I gave myself away too easily. I’ve realized there were many situations in which I gave myself away energetically to other people, and I did not receive the same energy in return.

There are a few people in my life who I’ve tried very hard with … people I so desperately wanted love and acceptance from. But these people were/are not reciprocating at the level I need(ed). And this non-reciprocation leaves me feeling sad and plays into the terrible feeling of lack that’s been present all of my adult life … I gave. They took. I gave more; the pattern continued. And the saddest part is that I didn’t see it when it was happening. I just knew something was off. I felt frustrated. I got mad … at the other person.

Here’s what I know now: it’s not anyone’s fault (except maybe mine) for not recognizing it earlier. These people are not bad people. It’s just the way they are energetically built or they don’t have the capacity to give at the level that I do. (I am not better. Just different.) The lesson: let the anger go and adjust my own energy to conserve instead of giving to the max. Reserve that giving for those who reciprocate. It’s been a life changing lesson, one that will require ongoing work on my part.

So no, it’s not ‘I don’t know who I am.’ It’s “I don’t know who I am becoming.” And that is okay. Life isn’t static. It’s a journey. We are always becoming. I’m shifting and growing to make space for the new me that wants to emerge … a me who is kind and loving but who also protects herself energetically so she can live in optimal wellness, not the illness she just came from.

Photo by Julia Caesar on Unsplash