• writing

    Spiritual Biography

    I have been thinking a lot about the road I’ve traveled, the long and winding road that didn’t make sense so much of the time, yet always made sense to the Divine. We are always being led, whether we realize it or not. I just wrote about this very thing on Instagram. And so today, I thought I’d try to make sense of my journey, my spiritual biography as I understand it thus far. My Living School journey has been such a turning point in my life, and an apex of sorts. It’s the highest point I’ve reached yet, and I can see that life has been leading me to this place all along. Are you a seeker? That is the best word I can use to describe myself. I have been seeking for God, the Divine, Source of all of life, for as…

  • being human,  embodiment,  learning,  writing

    We Are One

    We, as individuals, are one. We are one connected system, within ourselves. The body, heart, mind and soul share one system, yet the system is often not in agreement with each of the individual parts. Conscious mind, subconscious mind, deep wounding (still residing) in the body, the shadow self, false self, true self, all of our conditioning, our reactions … each of these live inside of us. We try our hardest to live the best way we know how, all the while these forces work on us in big and small ways. We do the work. We begin to heal. We are better than ever, but in my experience, we never ‘arrive’ in this lifetime as perfect, completely enlightened beings. I used to think it was possible but I’m no longer convinced. I believe we learn and get better as life goes on. I…

  • being human,  breath,  embodiment,  learning,  writing

    Aliveness is a Gift

    I am learning to connect to my life by caring deeply about it, by being fully in it. It’s not that I never cared before. My conditioning just leaned more toward rush and anxiety. As my nervous system calmed, I learned new ways of being. My beloved’s smile is a gift. A friend in need is a gift. The sound of the morning. Every sunrise and sunset. This delicious food in abundance. Sharing my life with others. Each day, night, breath. All gifts. And it is my job to savor this one ‘wild and precious life’ I’ve been given. Please accept my apologies for not learning this lesson sooner. I’m here now. Fully. Completely. Honoring the divinity that resides within. I love you. I tend to my life and it gives back in ways I could never have imagined. There is sacredness in the…

  • being human,  breath,  embodiment,  writing

    The Cost of Truth

    We come to God not by doing it right, but by doing it wrong. And yet the great forgiveness is to forgive ourselves for doing it wrong. That’s probably the hardest forgiveness of all: that I’m not perfect, that I’m not unwounded, I’m not innocent. “One always learns one’s mystery at the price of one’s innocence.” [1] If I want to maintain an image of myself as innocent, superior, righteous, or saved, I can only do that at the cost of truth. I have to reject the mysterious side, the shadow side, the broken side, the unconscious side of almost everything.   The art of letting go really is the way to heaven because when we fall down there to the bottom, we fall on solid ground, the great foundation. . . . On that foundation where we have nothing to prove, nothing to…

  • being human,  breath,  embodiment,  writing

    My Savasana Summer

    It’s been a while. The thing that used to be my passion has faded into the background. It’s still here, in me, but it doesn’t tug on my soul the way that it used to. Perhaps doing the thing you love for others begins to dim it for yourself. I’m talking about writing here, of course. The thing I used to HAVE to do every day for myself has become a thing that only calls to me when in distress. Yes, I will write my heart out (literally) when times are tough. It’s therapy. I used to be able to write to figure stuff out but lately that just doesn’t feel possible. I am sorting through lots of cerebral and emotional stuff and I’m having a hard time matching my brain up with my heart. I’m not incongruent—I’ve been there before. No, becoming is…

  • being human,  embodiment,  writing

    Permission to Feel and Heal

    I read something a few years ago that helped me heal from trauma significantly. It validated my experience. I remember my therapist saying to me that my type of trauma was the hardest to heal … low level trauma. I didn’t even recognize it as trauma until I was well into adulthood and life began to unravel. Here is the passage:  “It’s crucial to remember that no one but the writer can determine what might be perceived as traumatic nor is it essential that the experience be defined as ‘trauma.’ What matters is if the difficult experience produces a stress response––or a complex trauma response––and this can result from surviving an attack, being in a car accident, or fighting in a war. It also can come from the separation from parents, or living with a depressed parent, or being in a household with marital…

  • being human,  embodiment,  learning,  writing

    Being Alive Takes Time

    Oh my, how I need to internalize this lesson …. “I am always surprised at the aftereffect of being moved deeply by something. I can be hurt or disappointed or feel the warmth of being loved or the gentle sway of being temporarily left, and then I’m ready to chew on something else, seldom allowing for the feelings to digest completely. In fact, I’ve come to see that much of my confusion in life comes from giving my attention to the next thing too soon, and then wrapping new experience in the remnants of feeling that are not finished with me. … Being alive takes time.” Mark Nepo: The Book of Awakening Photo by Maksym Kaharlytskyi on Unsplash

  • being human,  embodiment,  writing

    Words Harm. Words Heal.

    As humans, we are naturally feeling creatures. Emotions move through us every day, and unless we pay attention to those feelings, they can rule our very behavior. They can also make us use words to manipulate other people’s behavior. This very thing happened to me this week. A friend of mine, someone I know pretty well, used words in a conversation with me that made me feel uncomfortable. I don’t think she meant for me to feel this way, but I do believe she used her words to achieve a result, to make herself feel better. She was hurt by me, I believe. She wanted something from me I didn’t provide to her. She had needs and looked to me to meet those needs. When I did not meet them, she used words that felt like shame to me, deep in my body, deep…

  • being human,  learning,  writing

    Doing Hard Things

    Doing hard things looks a lot different than what it used to look like. Doing hard things used to look like exerting my will. It used to look like a lot of effort. It used to look like grinding out each day. It used to look like making a name for myself and being in the spotlight. It is so funny how all of the things I used to want I have zero need for any more. Living in a calmer, more quiet way is the thing that most soothes my soul. It is not that I have nothing to prove, it’s just that I have much less to prove to others than I have to prove to myself. These days, mostly what I have to prove to myself is that I have the capacity of becoming the person I am supposed to be.…

  • being human,  embodiment,  writing

    Our Practices Help Us Become Our Best Selves

    I’ve been thinking about practices, habits and routines. How are they different? Are they different? How are they similar? Each contributes to who we are, who we become and how we spend our days. Two quotes that come to me often are “How you do anything is how you do everything,” and “We are what we repeatedly do. Excellence, therefore, is not an act but a habit.” But habit gets a bad rap, rightfully so. It’s easy to slip into bad habits and they are hard to break. I also believe that good habits come from practice and practices are filled with intention. We envision who and how we wish to be and put practices in place that support those intentions. Done often enough, they become habits and perhaps routine. Practices are intentional whereas habit and routine can ultimately become less mindful. And I…