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Spiritual Crisis
Writing about this feels like the biggest thing I’ve ever done, and to be honest, I’m not sure I’ll do it justice, but I have to try. I am convinced I just went through a massive spiritual crisis that manifested as a psychosomatic illness. But since I first published this post, one of my beloved spirit guides and mentors suggested that beyond psychosomatic, perhaps it was more ‘a matter of realignment, a great purging — of toxicity, lies, stories, old ways of being that are no longer suited to (my) higher vibration.’ That resonates deeply. Over the last several months, I’ve been having what I like to call ‘divine downloads’ in the shower most evenings, little mini-awakenings about myself, my family, primary relationships and the greater world around me. These little awakenings have been giving me the feeling that things are not right in…
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Learning to Be Gentle
I have felt so aggravated and unsettled lately, and it’s caused me to be a bit stern with myself. Why do you feel this way, Heather? Why are you making problems where none exists? Why can’t you just be happy? But this narrative is not helpful, and its time for a change. We are having trees taken down in our meadow, an adjacent property we bought early last year with the intention of folding it into our farm business. We call it the meadow because it’s the most wide open space where we live; we’re covered in trees otherwise. But the meadow is the perfect place for a huge garden. It’s already open and the pine trees that are being cut will make it an even more open space to let the sunshine in. The problem? It’s unsettled me (and has sorta pissed me…
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Dancing with the Divine
A few days ago the picture of me below popped up on my Facebook memories. It was from eleven years ago. I look good in it; happy. And it got me thinking. Eleven years isn’t that long ago, and at the same time, it feels like a lifetime ago. I was in my early forties and my daughter was only eleven—exactly half the age she is now. I don’t look back very often. I can’t read old journals; it depresses me. I don’t like thinking about how things were. I’m much more of a forward moving person. I think about how things used to be, and I thank God for the way things are now. Thinking about today and tomorrow always feels better in my body than thinking about what was. I find this interesting. But … I do see the value in looking…
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The Truth of Myself
I overshared today. At least it feels like I overshared. And yet it also felt essential. It’s been a hard week. I’m feeling lots of feels, the world’s weight and my past pressing in on me. “Must I be so dramatic?,” I think to myself. “Why can’t things be light and easy?” They are sometimes. Sometimes often. Sometimes not. Sometimes it’s all too much. And when I get this way, all I can do is express (through writing), which is exactly what I did this morning. I’ve been back and forth with one of the teachers of my spiritual direction training program. I’ve been on the verge of leaving the program a few times now and we’re conversing about some work-arounds that might help me. After presenting me with options last night, I sat with them. And myself. I questioned my ability to keep…
