• being human,  embodiment

    Me Being Me

    I am continually working on becoming the fullest expression of myself. Daily I ask: what am I grateful for? What do I need to do to fulfill my obligations? What do I want to do that serves my soul? How am I hiding — from myself and others? How can I be more transparent? How do I want to be remembered? How can I be more ME? For the most part, for most of my life, it’s been about the second question: obligations. They are important, but they’re not the only thing that matters, so I’m learning to tend to what needs tending to, moving on to matters of the soul and trying not to feel bad about it, #shameisabitch. In other words, I’m trying to live my life on purpose. I had a lot of alone time last week which made it easy to see more clearly. Now I’m ready to put it all in action, to stay true no matter the circumstance … whether I’m viewed a weirdo or not (probably yes!) Life is practice, and a balancing act! How do you stay true to you? How do you serve your soul? How do you bend? and how do you blend, to work with…

  • being human,  embodiment

    On Being Fully Seen

    We get so ‘stuck’ in our ways of being. We get complacent, or shut down or scared; we don’t know how to change. And yet, we’re changing all the time. I think ‘scared’ (and scarred) is the primary factor for me in getting/staying stuck … mostly scared of being fully seen, flawed as I am. I get too in my head. I shut down my heart to stay ‘safe.’ I hide my shadow, the parts of me I don’t want others to see … but it’s felt. Energy is real, real-er than form and physicality! This is what i’m making space for today, the noticing so I can make space for change. I love it when a fresh new perspective presents itself, when I’m suddenly renewed, when the world feels full of possibility. That’s what going away and coming hOMe feels like to me.

  • being human,  embodiment,  featured

    Waking Up from Conditioning

    Good karma, something we all want to have. But how much of the collective unconscious is guiding our actions? How often do you get hurt or mad or offended by something someone says or does? And then how do you react? How much joy do you feel in your life every day … like true joy? And when you can’t find joy, no matter how hard you try, how do you react? Or how many things aggravate you for no real reason? How many active choices do you make each day vs. a ‘going through the motions?’ How much conditioning … how many reactions are present most of the time? These are questions I ask myself most days, questions I’ve asked for a very long time. Conditioning runs us and it’s hard to break free. Yet we can only BE free when we BREAK free. How? Lots of practices help. Yoga, meditation, nature, embodiment, chanting, neurofeedback … ‘paths are many; truth is one.’ Awareness always seems to be the first step, and it’s a practice too. I’ve been ‘waking up’ for a long time, and what I didn’t recognize before that I now fully embrace … it’s not about transcending my humanness, it’s about embracing…

  • being human,  embodiment

    Embodied Gratitude

    My entire frame of reference throughout the last two and a half years has been pain, confusion, deep sadness, heart wrenching grief, primal abandonment and so much more. I didn’t know who the hell I was or what I was doing for the longest time, but i am emerging, breaking through to the other side now. I am ‘me’ once again, but not really—I am better, more me; I have grown, changed. I have transformed. I wrote this anecdote/poem/thought in the midst of it all. While i was so so sad … I somehow maintained a gratitude practice—not as whole heartedly as usual, but a practice, nonetheless. I knew I had to look for the good, lest I be further dragged down by it all. Radical gratitude, embodied gratitude … practices that change you from the inside out. It’s easy when things are good, necessary when life is hard. I feel compelled to share this today, as I sincerely want to move past the phrase, ‘life has been hard throughout the last 2+ years.’ Its a frame of reference that’s starting to feel like a broken record. I made it. I’m here, stronger than ever, and willing/able to hold space for others currently going through…

  • being human,  embodiment

    The World Needs You

    The world doesn’t need you (or me) to be quiet. The world needs us to show up and speak up in our own unique ways—IN OUR OWN UNIQUE WAYS! We are all different. Its a blessing, and the world needs you, and me—all of us. Really inspired by the work & words of Will Pye these days. He writes about but here’s what he says of our uniqueness: “You are unique, never seen before, and never to be seen again. Allow that to sink in. You are, just like everyone else, a one-off creation. Thus, you play a role no one else can play in this human story. Each one of us plays multiple starring roles in this universal drama, paradoxically as magnificent as we are insignificant, perfect in our imperfection.”

  • being human,  embodiment

    On Choice and Agency

    I had a birthday last week, a big one. Just thinking of the number provides a sense of pride – that I’ve made it this far and that I have enough years behind me to consider myself somewhat wise. I’ll say it one last time, and then I think I won’t say it again, because this post is about choice and I must choose to be different in order to actually live differently … the last two years have been hard. But I made it through them. I was in a long dark night of the soul but I am through it. I have emerged, transformed, grown. And one of the things I’ve thought about recently is that I haven’t given myself enough credit for the grace in which I made it through those years. I am not special but I have far more to offer than I’ve offered up. I write here as though I’m confused. Sometimes I am, but often I’m not. I’m just more drawn to writing in my state of confusion as a way to make it all make sense. And I’ve forgotten that I’m an adult, damnit. I have been for over thirty years. I have choices. I have the…

  • being human,  embodiment

    Love Over Fear

    Love over fear, always. Our energy matters. I remember this, then I forget. I think we all do. Life is so precious and scary and hard and beautiful and confusing, and we are all strong and weak, and fumbling through. I put so much pressure on myself … to be perfect, to do the right thing, to perform, to fit in, to be fun, witty, pretty, smart … but really I just need to show up. I need to be present, and allow the experience of life to unfold as it will instead of trying to control every damn thing (fear). Love demands that we see our conditioning and the ways we’re unconscious. Love demands that we stay open. Love allows. Love is freedom. Love is choice. Love is the essence of everything good. Love is present; love is here, yet in our human form it is also a practice. As physical beings we’re often drawn more to fear than love. It is up to each of us to choose differently in order to create a shift in consciousness. These are the random thoughts I think on a Tuesday night. 🤯 Happy New Moon, intention-setting time. Which will you choose — love or fear?

  • being human,  embodiment,  writing

    Learning to Live in Direct Experience

    I’ve gone quiet lately. Last week was busy with work and graduation prep and the weekend was full with my girl’s graduation ceremony and party. Yesterday was the first day I journaled in a few weeks. And it struck me … I wasn’t writing because I didn’t want to fully feel, didn’t want to acknowledge the sadness that was here, under the surface. Anxiety was here. Angst was here. I felt it all. I’m much more in tune than I ever have been before, but I filled life up instead of slowing down to fully experience it. I think most of us do that, sometimes out of habit, others necessity, and sometimes we’re completely unaware. I am not saying we should drown in our fears, sadness or anxiety, but I do think we often mask it or avoid the negative feelings in lieu of the goodness of life. We are human; our emotions make us human, and I think avoiding the full range of that limits our ability to live a rich, full life. If we push the bad away and only try to experience the good, when will the good simply not be good enough anymore? And if all we ever do is fill…

  • being human,  embodiment

    Happy Mama’s Day

    Happy Mother’s Day to all the beautiful mamas out there. And a quick note to say that on this day, I’m happier than I’ve been in a while. That’s a rarity I’m excited to see end. I texted with one of my girlfriends this morning. She replied that its a hard day for her: both of her daughters will be moving out this summer. I replied that “I get it,” and that I’m here for her, and I am. I will be. The grief of losing my mom and my daughter (to a move to her father’s house) was a sadness I wasn’t sure I’d get over. It was certainly the longest grief period I’ve yet endured in life. I thank God for my husband who held space and saw me through day after day of lifelessness. I learned a lot about myself throughout the last two years — that I am resilient and that I need others, that I can put on a happy face when I need to and that I still like my alone time (even when I’m sad), that I have core abandonment issues to work out and that, essentially, my brain has been working against me. If I didn’t have the…

  • being human,  embodiment

    Changing my Physiology

    Wanna know a secret? I have no idea what I’m doing.  And damn, have I been trying hard—too hard. For the longest time, I thought I had to get it ‘right.’ For the longest time I tried to be perfect. It just perpetuated more pain. So at the end of the struggle, I decided to just be me, but there was a problem. I didn’t know how to do that, exactly. I can’t explain why: my brain wasn’t working optimally, and that realization led to a billion other ‘a-has.’ I learned that I couldn’t use sheer will to change; I had to change my physiology. I had to change my brain. 

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