Lately I’ve been thinking about all of the pivots I’ve made in my life, and the ways society (capitalism, the patriarchy) doesn’t like that. Society prefers the status quo, coloring in the lines, doing what we’ve always done. Society wants to keep us stuck. And perhaps that’s the reason for all of the pivots. I’ve seen through the lies of it for a very long time. But here’s the thing about going against the grain: it’s not easy. A lot of people won’t understand. And it can bring up a lot of fear, mental madness, questions … Am I weird? Am I alone? Am I the only one who sees the BS happening here? Contemplative practice calls us deeper into ourselves, and ultimately deeper into God. While not everything has meaning, it is our job to pay attention, and to keep going to that…

What is too much and how can we tell that it is too much? Society pushes a ‘no pain, no gain’ mentality onto us; ‘face the fear and go for it.’ But what if we reject this mentality? What if we reject this narrative and choose our own path? What if we listen to our bodies and the still small voice inside of us? And how, exactly, do we do this? Lots of layers are currently being shed. I’m recognizing a guilt that’s been driving me but hasn’t been serving. Why does it take so long to figure things out and when will I stop making mistakes in order to learn the lessons I need to learn? Or perhaps, I need not call them mistakes, but test runs with the Divine? Not many things in life are truly mistakes if you believe everything is…

Yesterday I had a peer group call with six others in and/or facilitating my Master’s Program. Because the program doubles as certification in Spiritual Direction (SD) and a Master’s in Pastoral Counseling (MPC), it very much asks us to get in deep contact with ourselves. I feel that I do that on the regular because of how I’m built, but I’m also seeing that I simply don’t have access to all parts of me. This isn’t new news but it continues to be graced with greater nuance. After all of the work I did last year to regulate my nervous system, I was surprised when my bodymind exhibited so much pushback at the retreat last November. I felt prepared to go. I was prepared. But after only a few days with my cohort, anxiety began to settle in. My throat chakra closed and I…

I was texting with two of my besties this morning, sharing about my angst yesterday, the sadness I was feeling. I shared because I knew they would understand, empathize without feeling sorry. See me. Hear me. Feel my story. They both did. And we talked about a few other things … These human lives of ours are so big and monumental, while also dull and inconsequential, full of every emotion possible. At times I wonder how I endure it. Other times I recognize that enduring it isn’t the point. Enduring something is not fully living it. And living is what we’re called to do. My contemplative practice has taught me so much. Nothing is good or bad. Life isn’t black and white. It just is. And in my estimation, my job is to feel it all, and to learn to live into it all…