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How Human of Me
I was texting with two of my besties this morning, sharing about my angst yesterday, the sadness I was feeling. I shared because I knew they would understand, empathize without feeling sorry. See me. Hear me. Feel my story. They both did. And we talked about a few other things … These human lives of ours are so big and monumental, while also dull and inconsequential, full of every emotion possible. At times I wonder how I endure it. Other times I recognize that enduring it isn’t the point. Enduring something is not fully living it. And living is what we’re called to do. My contemplative practice has taught me so much. Nothing is good or bad. Life isn’t black and white. It just is. And in my estimation, my job is to feel it all, and to learn to live into it all…
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We Are Beloved
It is Christmas Day and I’m sitting here in a quiet house. I am upstairs; my husband is downstairs. Gifts have been exchanged. Santa loaded up all of the stockings. Mass was attended. Our only child is grown; we celebrated Christmas with my family last weekend, and last night was busy with J’s family. So we are now enjoying the quiet and the cozy warmth of our home while the dogs happily snore at our feet. Sounds lovely for a couple of introverts, right? Mostly it is. Except … A sadness creeps in. It’s a momentary sadness because life truly is SOOOO good. This sadness is a grieving of sorts … of years gone by … grieving the busyness of Christmas, the joy I felt watching my daughter’s joy on Christmas morning, being in her presence, feeling a completeness in my heart. There is…
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Spirit vs. Ego
The concept of True Self/false self is not new to me. As a long time yogi, I’ve been working on recognizing ego vs. spirit for a long time. One would think that I’d be ‘good at it’ by now, having mastered it, even. Not so much. But I am convinced that simply understanding the fact that they both exist (and are both necessary), is the first step in working my way through them. Since finding the work of the Center for Action and Contemplation, I’ve recognized many full-circle moments, events, concepts and situations. Having spent two and a half decades dedicating my life to yoga—practice and philosophy—it was quite a moment to recognize that many of the concepts I’d learned from yogic philosophy have direct correlations within the context of Christian Mysticism (as well as mysticism within other traditions). The church (religion), for me,…
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My God Story
The first writing assignment for my spiritual direction/pastoral counseling program was to write and record my spiritual memoir. I loved the process; it made me hone my thoughts from minutia to big picture. I share here now for posterity’s sake: What an adventure my spiritual journey has been. I used to envy the self-assured ones, those with complete certitude in their faith (and lives, in general). My truth, however, is that I’ve always been a seeker. I used to run from this fact; it made me feel inadequate. But that was only a made-up story in my head, due in part to a dis-regulated nervous system that is finally healing—the main block that has kept me from trusting myself, God, and from living into my fullness. Today I have deep faith in God and recognize that everything has been divinely timed. My spiritual heritage…
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Aliveness is a Gift
I am learning to connect to my life by caring deeply about it, by being fully in it. It’s not that I never cared before. My conditioning just leaned more toward rush and anxiety. As my nervous system calmed, I learned new ways of being. My beloved’s smile is a gift. A friend in need is a gift. The sound of the morning. Every sunrise and sunset. This delicious food in abundance. Sharing my life with others. Each day, night, breath. All gifts. And it is my job to savor this one ‘wild and precious life’ I’ve been given. Please accept my apologies for not learning this lesson sooner. I’m here now. Fully. Completely. Honoring the divinity that resides within. I love you. I tend to my life and it gives back in ways I could never have imagined. There is sacredness in the…
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The Cost of Truth
We come to God not by doing it right, but by doing it wrong. And yet the great forgiveness is to forgive ourselves for doing it wrong. That’s probably the hardest forgiveness of all: that I’m not perfect, that I’m not unwounded, I’m not innocent. “One always learns one’s mystery at the price of one’s innocence.” [1] If I want to maintain an image of myself as innocent, superior, righteous, or saved, I can only do that at the cost of truth. I have to reject the mysterious side, the shadow side, the broken side, the unconscious side of almost everything. The art of letting go really is the way to heaven because when we fall down there to the bottom, we fall on solid ground, the great foundation. . . . On that foundation where we have nothing to prove, nothing to…
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My Savasana Summer
It’s been a while. The thing that used to be my passion has faded into the background. It’s still here, in me, but it doesn’t tug on my soul the way that it used to. Perhaps doing the thing you love for others begins to dim it for yourself. I’m talking about writing here, of course. The thing I used to HAVE to do every day for myself has become a thing that only calls to me when in distress. Yes, I will write my heart out (literally) when times are tough. It’s therapy. I used to be able to write to figure stuff out but lately that just doesn’t feel possible. I am sorting through lots of cerebral and emotional stuff and I’m having a hard time matching my brain up with my heart. I’m not incongruent—I’ve been there before. No, becoming is…
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Conscious Breath is a Superpower
I work with breath every day, but today is an extra special one, a day of celebration. A human who once shared my very breath has been on the planet for twenty-one years today. Yes, I brought life into the world that day — a beautiful, blue eyed, red headed, breathing, loving, feeling human who has blessed me in unimaginable ways. And so, in honor of Madison, of life, of breath itself, I’d like to tell you a little story of how the day unfolded and why I think conscious breath is a superpower. I came into the pregnancy a novice yogi but could not find a prenatal yoga teacher to work with me, so I did what I knew I could to stay healthy and active: early in the pregnancy, I committed to regular breath practice and walked 5+ miles every day. I…
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Connected by Breath
I think most of you know that I am a yoga teacher, but what you may not know is that I stopped teaching–almost entirely–as my mom took her final breath just over three and a half years ago. In some ways I stopped breathing too; I couldn’t inhabit my body in my grief. Teaching yoga is a giving profession and I literally had nothing to give; continuing to teach would have been unfair to my students and to myself, even though saying goodbye presented another loss. For a full two years I grieved my mom, a daughter who came of age and a life I knew and loved. It was a dark night of the soul I’d never wish on anyone, but it was necessary. I devoted time to healing. I relearned how to fully inhabit my body and how to breathe again. Lots…
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Sacredness in the Mundane
there is asacrednessin the mundane,in every daylife. we only have tos l o w d o w n . . . to see itfeel ittaste itbreathe itBE it. . . . I really believe this is my life’s calling. It’s a simple life calling, and a difficult out-of-reach one at the same time. My life’s calling is to slow down, to overcome the rush and anxiety that has pervaded me for the entirety of my years on earth, and to put words to the frustration and subsequent peace this calling elicits. Life is paradoxical … and simple and hard and beautiful and heart-wrenching and confusing and joyful. Ahh, this being human truly is a guest house, as Rumi wrote hundreds of years ago. We simply cannot know who or what to expect from one day to the next. I am most at peace and can…
