• being human

    Thoughts on Healing

    I have realized that this consistent feeling of rushing through life is anxiety: anxiety that’s been in me for years. And my medicine is naming it so i can work with it, become more aware, do the practices that loosen its hold on me. I am healing one day at a time. No magic pill. No ignoring or masking it. Simply learning to love life in its fullness … and often writing my way through it.

  • being human,  embodiment

    On Choice and Agency

    I had a birthday last week, a big one. Just thinking of the number provides a sense of pride – that I’ve made it this far and that I have enough years behind me to consider myself somewhat wise. I’ll say it one last time, and then I think I won’t say it again, because this post is about choice and I must choose to be different in order to actually live differently … the last two years have been hard. But I made it through them. I was in a long dark night of the soul but I am through it. I have emerged, transformed, grown. And one of the things I’ve thought about recently is that I haven’t given myself enough credit for the grace in which I made it through those years. I am not special but I have far more to offer than I’ve offered up. I write here as though I’m confused. Sometimes I am, but often I’m not. I’m just more drawn to writing in my state of confusion as a way to make it all make sense. And I’ve forgotten that I’m an adult, damnit. I have been for over thirty years. I have choices. I have the…

  • being human,  embodiment

    Love Over Fear

    Love over fear, always. Our energy matters. I remember this, then I forget. I think we all do. Life is so precious and scary and hard and beautiful and confusing, and we are all strong and weak, and fumbling through. I put so much pressure on myself … to be perfect, to do the right thing, to perform, to fit in, to be fun, witty, pretty, smart … but really I just need to show up. I need to be present, and allow the experience of life to unfold as it will instead of trying to control every damn thing (fear). Love demands that we see our conditioning and the ways we’re unconscious. Love demands that we stay open. Love allows. Love is freedom. Love is choice. Love is the essence of everything good. Love is present; love is here, yet in our human form it is also a practice. As physical beings we’re often drawn more to fear than love. It is up to each of us to choose differently in order to create a shift in consciousness. These are the random thoughts I think on a Tuesday night. 🤯 Happy New Moon, intention-setting time. Which will you choose — love or fear?

  • being human

    Ball State Orientation

    Just a little video highlighting Maddie’s Freshman Orientation at Ball State. I’m so excited for her! Life doesn’t stop, so we hang on tight and go along for the ride, hopefully as consciously as possible, sometimes not.

  • being human,  embodiment,  writing

    Learning to Live in Direct Experience

    I’ve gone quiet lately. Last week was busy with work and graduation prep and the weekend was full with my girl’s graduation ceremony and party. Yesterday was the first day I journaled in a few weeks. And it struck me … I wasn’t writing because I didn’t want to fully feel, didn’t want to acknowledge the sadness that was here, under the surface. Anxiety was here. Angst was here. I felt it all. I’m much more in tune than I ever have been before, but I filled life up instead of slowing down to fully experience it. I think most of us do that, sometimes out of habit, others necessity, and sometimes we’re completely unaware. I am not saying we should drown in our fears, sadness or anxiety, but I do think we often mask it or avoid the negative feelings in lieu of the goodness of life. We are human; our emotions make us human, and I think avoiding the full range of that limits our ability to live a rich, full life. If we push the bad away and only try to experience the good, when will the good simply not be good enough anymore? And if all we ever do is fill…

  • being human

    Reasons for Starting a Vlog

    For some reason, anytime I start something new I feel compelled to justify my WHY. I'm speaking here of my forays into vlogging. Why am I embarking on this new task? Why does it feel a bit monumental? And why do I feel kind of dumb about doing it, like I think I'm so important that others will want to see me on film? The answer to the last question is that I don't, but I've hidden for too long; I'm in the process of putting myself out there more in an effort to stop hiding. They say, "the way you do anything is the way you do everything," and I think that's true. If I take the time to do something and it feels important, I'll go all in; I'm not a half-asser. Since I created my first vlog last week, I've read all about the craft and watched endless videos to learn tips on how the best vloggers do it.

  • being human

    An Attempt at Vlogging

    So so so much is changing, and all for the better. In an attempt to not cringe when I listen to myself speak, here's my first attempt at vlogging. I'm doing it for so many more reasons than that, but it's certainly one big one. Here is one evening in my life. I hope to do more. Happy Wednesday!

  • being human,  embodiment

    Happy Mama’s Day

    Happy Mother’s Day to all the beautiful mamas out there. And a quick note to say that on this day, I’m happier than I’ve been in a while. That’s a rarity I’m excited to see end. I texted with one of my girlfriends this morning. She replied that its a hard day for her: both of her daughters will be moving out this summer. I replied that “I get it,” and that I’m here for her, and I am. I will be. The grief of losing my mom and my daughter (to a move to her father’s house) was a sadness I wasn’t sure I’d get over. It was certainly the longest grief period I’ve yet endured in life. I thank God for my husband who held space and saw me through day after day of lifelessness. I learned a lot about myself throughout the last two years — that I am resilient and that I need others, that I can put on a happy face when I need to and that I still like my alone time (even when I’m sad), that I have core abandonment issues to work out and that, essentially, my brain has been working against me. If I didn’t have the…

  • being human,  embodiment

    Changing my Physiology

    Wanna know a secret? I have no idea what I’m doing.  And damn, have I been trying hard—too hard. For the longest time, I thought I had to get it ‘right.’ For the longest time I tried to be perfect. It just perpetuated more pain. So at the end of the struggle, I decided to just be me, but there was a problem. I didn’t know how to do that, exactly. I can’t explain why: my brain wasn’t working optimally, and that realization led to a billion other ‘a-has.’ I learned that I couldn’t use sheer will to change; I had to change my physiology. I had to change my brain. 

  • being human

    Collective Healing Changes the World

    Do you ever think about what you’re doing here on the earth plane? That seems to be my central question of each day. I am always trying to make meaning of life, make the moments matter, be better than i was the day before. Sometimes I am too much. Sometimes I feel abnormal, too intense. Do I feel too much? Write too much? Question too much? But all of this is authentically me; it’s who I am, and shouldn’t that be good enough? For the longest time, I hid my gifts. I hid, period. But age is funny. It puts everything into perspective; it provides the ability to look back and see the ways I could have done things differently. I have many things I would change in those early years, but I can’t change the past, and thinking too much about it is wasted energy. My focus now is bettering myself each day, bringing presence to each day so I can consciously direct my future. As I continue to expose my unmet, un-dealt-with trauma, I give the little me the love she so desperately wanted but never received. I tell her she is beautiful and full of love. As a result, she begins to…

Intentionally create your days; start with a mindful morning.
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