So so so much is changing, and all for the better. In an attempt to not cringe when I listen to myself speak, here's my first attempt at vlogging. I'm doing it for so many more reasons than that, but it's certainly one big one. Here is one evening in my life. I hope to do more. Happy Wednesday!
Happy Mother’s Day to all the beautiful mamas out there. And a quick note to say that on this day, I’m happier than I’ve been in a while. That’s a rarity I’m excited to see end. I texted with one of my girlfriends this morning. She replied that its a hard day for her: both of her daughters will be moving out this summer. I replied that “I get it,” and that I’m here for her, and I am. I will be. The grief of losing my mom and my daughter (to a move to her father’s house) was a sadness I wasn’t sure I’d get over. It was certainly the longest grief period I’ve yet endured in life. I thank God for my husband who held space and saw me through day after day of lifelessness. I learned a lot about myself throughout the last two years — that I am resilient and that I need others, that I can put on a happy face when I need to and that I still like my alone time (even when I’m sad), that I have core abandonment issues to work out and that, essentially, my brain has been working against me. If I didn’t have the…
Wanna know a secret? I have no idea what I’m doing. And damn, have I been trying hard—too hard. For the longest time, I thought I had to get it ‘right.’ For the longest time I tried to be perfect. It just perpetuated more pain. So at the end of the struggle, I decided to just be me, but there was a problem. I didn’t know how to do that, exactly. I can’t explain why: my brain wasn’t working optimally, and that realization led to a billion other ‘a-has.’ I learned that I couldn’t use sheer will to change; I had to change my physiology. I had to change my brain.
Do you ever think about what you’re doing here on the earth plane? That seems to be my central question of each day. I am always trying to make meaning of life, make the moments matter, be better than i was the day before. Sometimes I am too much. Sometimes I feel abnormal, too intense. Do I feel too much? Write too much? Question too much? But all of this is authentically me; it’s who I am, and shouldn’t that be good enough? For the longest time, I hid my gifts. I hid, period. But age is funny. It puts everything into perspective; it provides the ability to look back and see the ways I could have done things differently. I have many things I would change in those early years, but I can’t change the past, and thinking too much about it is wasted energy. My focus now is bettering myself each day, bringing presence to each day so I can consciously direct my future. As I continue to expose my unmet, un-dealt-with trauma, I give the little me the love she so desperately wanted but never received. I tell her she is beautiful and full of love. As a result, she begins to…
It's Saturday morning and I'm feeling sad. It's been a great week. I was on a high for most of it, and a few incidents yesterday threw me into a mental tailspin; I went to bed with a heavy felt-sensation last night and woke up with the residue this morning. My medicine will be writing, getting outside and moving my body today. Any time I feel like this, I ask myself how much of it I want to feel and how much of it I need to move past. I think it's important to find a balance in both. If I avoid the way I'm feeling, how will I ever get better? And will it ever stop, if I always just move past it, move on to something better? How will I ever grow if I only set my sights on things that make me feel better? There has got to be a balance between feeling it all and not letting it overwhelm me. I don't have the answer. In fact, all of my questions only lead to more questions.
For as long as I can remember (forever) I've been a doer. I became a yoga teacher thirteen years ago, because I saw the gifts yoga freely gave and I wanted to be a conduit for that. More being, less doing. They say "we teach what we most need to learn." I wholeheartedly believe this statement to be true. So I taught yoga, the best way I knew how, for ten full years. I taught what I needed to learn, and in the process I learned and changed. I still teach now, but in a much different manner. I write about my experiences in the hopes that others see themselves in my stories, feel less alone, less crazy. It's my way of living my yoga. The 'be here now' message has been primary in my life, and I continue to do my best to embody it ... but something's been off, not quite right (yes, even all these years later in my process). My mind tells me one thing, while my body begs for something else. My mind doesn't stay long in one place. It's here, and then gone ... occupying the past or the future. (For me, mostly future. Did you know that we each…
Albert Einstein is quoted as saying "the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results." I am insane. You are insane. The entire world is insane; yes, the entire world is insane. There are far more insane people here than sane. Why? Because we live in a world of disillusion, ego and conditioning. We live in a world of people who believe in their thoughts. We live in a world of perceived separateness from source. CRAZYmaking bullshit. Our minds trick us into believing everything we think. Our minds believe our negativity and separateness, but our thoughts are not real.
This journey to heal myself has been a winding road indeed. I'm not done yet, but a great many things are making a lot of sense. Becoming sober curious has shed light on things I couldn't see, as has counseling and all of the embodiment work I've done in the last year. But learning about my brain throughout the last month has been the most eye-opening of all. The results of my quantitative EEG were telling, though not surprising. Overactive beta waves as well as underactive delta, theta, alpha and high beta waves revealed what I'd suspected, an overactive limbic system. I'm working with a naturopath to eliminate high blood pressure medicine from daily life, but doing so will require other supplements because of dietary and environmental deficiencies that are inherent in America. It will also require a complete lifestyle shift. I've made lots of changes over the last few months, why not a few more?
Like everyone, a culmination of events, mishaps and 'a has' have led me to where I am today. There's so much to say, but for now I'll keep this post to a bare minimum, to what feels essential. If you know me personally or have followed me for a while, you know that the last to years have not been my greatest. Witnessing my mom's devastating illness, followed by her untimely passing, as well as working through major life changes with my one and only daughter, literally changed who I am as a person. You've heard the saying, "once you see it, you can't unsee it." Well, it's true, and sometimes life can be divided into a distinct before and after. But I firmly believe that life doesn't happen TO us; it happens FOR us. We get to choose what we do with our lives and how we deal with the events that feel both devastating and ecstatic.
I’m convinced that most of us don’t know what the hell we’re doing here, on this earth, in this time. We think we know, then it all falls apart, and when it falls apart, we often defer to old (destructive) habits instead of digging deeper. One step forward, two steps back. That's been my pattern. I’d ‘do the work,’ then sink in despair, and the cycle would repeat. After about two ‘dark night of the soul’ YEARS, I’d had enough. I had a breakthrough at Christmastime, on a trip away from home. I can’t define the event, but the ensuing thoughts were, ‘this is my life, WTF am I doing?’