Knowing and Not Knowing

I write. It’s the one thing I do consistently, the one thing I’ve continually done to make sense of life. Ideas mill about in my head, and until I sit down, put fingers to a keyboard or pen to paper, thoughts don’t solidify. They stay scattered. It’s unsettling. Writing grounds me.

Lately I’ve been feeling out of sorts. In my deepest essence I feel a need for change and I know the general areas that need change but can’t find a clear path forward. Or maybe I’m struggling with commitment. Perhaps old patterns are sabotaging me, or worse yet I’m afraid of succeeding, shining, becoming too big.

I am in the last half of my life. That fact really just became clear in the last few months. I don’t know why I didn’t consider it before, but I didn’t, at least not at length. I guess death brings life into greater focus. Nothing has been the same since mom’s passing and Maddie’s coming of age. I often find myself wondering, is this it? Is this all there is? And then the next day there is utter and complete joy. Emotions come and go. It’s hard not to get caught up in them. I am still learning. I am still a work in progress, and I guess that’s a good thing, lest I become stagnant and unchangeable.

The question that draws me in, day after day, is ‘what do I want to do today?’ and ‘what brings me the most joy?’ And the answers are many on the days I’m feeling it; ‘I simply don’t know’ on the days I’m not.

So I come back, again and again, to breath, to my body, to the life all around me. It’s a blessing I get to be here, to live this life, whether I’m feeling that way in the moment or not.

When I don’t know, I write, and I hope that by writing I make others feel less alone. I know we are all more alike than different. I used to think I needed to tie these writings up in pretty little packages, that I had to impart knowledge or provide an answer. I now see that’s not my process; it’s not the way it works for me. Writing helps me be kinder to myself. It helps me feel grace in my humanity. It makes me see that it’s okay to not know because in the not knowing, I’m simply trying to be better.