Life flows. But sometimes it stops too. Sometimes we can visibly see and feel a before and an after. I feel this truth distinctly in my mom’s passing. It feels as though naivete was the norm while she was alive, whereas darkness has settled into life since. It’s not an every day darkness. For the most part I’m still in love with life; things just seem more real than they ever have been — and yes, some days totally do suck.
I also continue to gain a greater sense of myself, a self I don’t always like. Life isn’t as happy as it was before, and I can’t seem to get back to that sense of me no matter how hard I try.
I gained a greater awareness of the world this week; traveling does that. And how I felt Monday upon return versus how I feel today, after six days home, is altogether different. I am in awe of how quickly life moves — how I can be on top of the world one day and quite low the next. Sometimes it happens in the span of hours instead of days. I think its (partly) why I write – to recognize these patterns.
Earlier this week I was pondering my ability to recognize myself, to bear witness to my thoughts, words and actions. I was thinking about how consciousness works. I was thinking about my willingness to change, and whether I should change. There’s a fine line between being true to ourselves and striving to be better. As a highly sensitive person, I strongly feel others’ energy and find myself wanting to heighten their experience, especially when I can feel myself being pulled down by them. My pondering is about being true to myself in experiences like that. I’m responsible for no one else. I recognize how much energy I expend in this.
Peace begins with me, and while I used to think of that statement in an outward way, like I needed to be peaceful toward others for them to act in kind, I see it’s even more important to find peace within myself, peace amid the mess I make of my life. It’s only from that place that I can offer the same to others.
Perhaps my only job is to find peace in my humanness? As always, more questions than answers, but it helps to write it all down. I find a little peace in giving these thoughts words.